Anxiety from hell has arrived. . . Yet still I rise
Some time in mid July my Anxiety kicked it way up. Since then my meds have been upped and added to. Yet here I am, and still a nervous wreck all the time. I even made life style and relationship changes. I was staying in a lot and sleeping. Now I try and get out more and just not be so alone and keep my mind busy. I work more which is always a plus for the bank account. However the last three days I have had several panic attacks a day and Im just not sure my heart can take much more. My blood pressure is through the roof and I find myself seriously concerned for my health. Which stresses me more. As I turned 32 all I could think was heart attack and death.
I sometimes think that people who are not on medication fail to realize it is not a fix all. It is not Tylenol. Its more like diabetic medication as long as you eat right the medication should work. I say should because there are always other factors. Same with anxiety and depression medication I wake up everyday and I want to be better than before I put on that smile and try my best to remain calm and think positive and allow god to handle things for me. However we know that sometimes the world is cruel and people are cruel and it doesn't work in our favor. I also think no one considers the side effects the fact that all 6 meds are drowsy meds so I am constantly fighting sleep. I have zero filter. Because essentially it gets rid of most of my fucks. Which most days is a good thing. Im smart and strong I know the difference between right and wrong. However I don't like being told how to think, or what to do or say by someone who is not my Superior or elder. I believe there is a time and place for everything and sometimes "not right now" probably meanings its not the time. Im a damn girl person but more and more I am hearing Im not. Im mean, rude, Im an asshole. . . .The problem I have with these statements are maybe you have to take one step back and think. . .was it meant to be like that? Am I being to sensitive? Is something going on in her life she isnt telling me? Cause lets be honest I can count on one hand the last time someone asked me and meant it how my life was going and really wanted to listen. If I began to tell you about the train wreck im on and surviving you wouldnt know what to do. So again dont judge someone because you never know what God has asked them to walk through. No one knows my heart because I dont share it. Plain and simple. I trust no one its been ripped out stomped on handed back time and time again. Im kind and gentle and fun loving because I chose to be because its easier than being mean like I was for all those years. However as I sit here and write this I think about how I know I wouldn't be missed by many if I was to pack up and roll and find and place and a job. Maybe then I could find peace and people who dont know Im on medication and cant use it against me and wont talk behind my back. My one my only regrets in life was ever sharing that I was struggling and still struggle every minute of every single day with anxiety and depression. For so many reasons most of you would never comprehend. Yet I still share because while I struggle I refuse to let anyone watch me fall to my knees and end it all. Every day not matter what still I rise. So the next time you wanna bark or yell or maybe just grouch or bitch at someone take a step back and think maybe they are just having a hard time or a moment. I know I too am guilty of it but I wont be made to feel like I am been this last month. By anyone. Sorry Satan
I sometimes think that people who are not on medication fail to realize it is not a fix all. It is not Tylenol. Its more like diabetic medication as long as you eat right the medication should work. I say should because there are always other factors. Same with anxiety and depression medication I wake up everyday and I want to be better than before I put on that smile and try my best to remain calm and think positive and allow god to handle things for me. However we know that sometimes the world is cruel and people are cruel and it doesn't work in our favor. I also think no one considers the side effects the fact that all 6 meds are drowsy meds so I am constantly fighting sleep. I have zero filter. Because essentially it gets rid of most of my fucks. Which most days is a good thing. Im smart and strong I know the difference between right and wrong. However I don't like being told how to think, or what to do or say by someone who is not my Superior or elder. I believe there is a time and place for everything and sometimes "not right now" probably meanings its not the time. Im a damn girl person but more and more I am hearing Im not. Im mean, rude, Im an asshole. . . .The problem I have with these statements are maybe you have to take one step back and think. . .was it meant to be like that? Am I being to sensitive? Is something going on in her life she isnt telling me? Cause lets be honest I can count on one hand the last time someone asked me and meant it how my life was going and really wanted to listen. If I began to tell you about the train wreck im on and surviving you wouldnt know what to do. So again dont judge someone because you never know what God has asked them to walk through. No one knows my heart because I dont share it. Plain and simple. I trust no one its been ripped out stomped on handed back time and time again. Im kind and gentle and fun loving because I chose to be because its easier than being mean like I was for all those years. However as I sit here and write this I think about how I know I wouldn't be missed by many if I was to pack up and roll and find and place and a job. Maybe then I could find peace and people who dont know Im on medication and cant use it against me and wont talk behind my back. My one my only regrets in life was ever sharing that I was struggling and still struggle every minute of every single day with anxiety and depression. For so many reasons most of you would never comprehend. Yet I still share because while I struggle I refuse to let anyone watch me fall to my knees and end it all. Every day not matter what still I rise. So the next time you wanna bark or yell or maybe just grouch or bitch at someone take a step back and think maybe they are just having a hard time or a moment. I know I too am guilty of it but I wont be made to feel like I am been this last month. By anyone. Sorry Satan
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This is me every day. I was up to 22 pills a day and suicidal 8 years ago. I quit taking them all and it was the best decision I ever made. I still drink and smoke weed, my only medicine. I think a big part of being as stressed as we are is that we see through so much bullshit, it's everywhere, in everything. So much pain everywhere in the world that we can't help. Even our own. Frustration turns to sadness and anger. Helpless to our own minds, we revel in our minds never ending thousand mile an hour pace, never able to focus on one thought at a time, and never being able to really explain what's going on in there, cuz I don't even know. I just want a fix. Gimme an answer as to wtf is wrong with me. What is normal? What's it feel like to actually lay down at night and just go to sleep? These questions and more....
ReplyDelete"Gimme the answer as to wtf is wrong with me" I used to say that all the time until I reason the people who tend to get to me most are the ones who are diagonosed and unmedicated by choice. So I tend to turn it back around the. Again I'm always torn with why I have to struggle with this and no one else in my family does. . I love love love your response
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